I cockslap morals
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
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Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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