i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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