I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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