i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
