I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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