you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
