I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
even my farts smell like vagina
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
