Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
