I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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