happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
