well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My vagina just clenched in fear
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
