apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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