I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
