I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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