My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We left the knife in your bed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
