Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
