i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
