update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
