Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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