Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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