The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
