I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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