I think my fart just growled at me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you are never too drunk for berry picking
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
