he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
