she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
