i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
