If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
