If i could tip my vagina, i would.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
