after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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