Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
