what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
