i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
