Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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