Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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