pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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