I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
