Do you still have your period?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
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He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal