Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.