No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar