we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?