I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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