Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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