Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
