I feel like abortions should bother me more
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
