the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
