K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
