I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
