it hurts more in the daytime
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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