how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
