Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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