Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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