Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
