and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
