R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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