Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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