rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
