My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
