Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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