I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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