so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
