If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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