I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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