Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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