Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
