You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she pinky promised me she was 18
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
