just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
