Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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